Running with Soul

Some People!

2012-02-16T13:03:00.002-08:00

If I could describe my pregnancy with Erin in one word it would be tense. I was happy to be expecting again, but the question that was in the forefront of my mind at all times was when will this one die too? (I still think this way at times, but that is for another post) Most women who are pregnant have feelings of excitement, joy, happiness, bliss. All the words you would use to describe some of the happiest times in your life. She spends the next 9 months planning for the arrival of her baby. Making a nursery, researching baby products, talking about the joys and not-so-joys of her pregnancy.
A Rainbow Mom tends to experience her pregnancy much more differently. She wonders if every little twitch or bout of pain is the end of the life inside of her. She is happy when she feels her baby moving, but freaks out the moment it stops. (I would eat A LOT of chocolate and sweets to keep Erin moving to calm this fear!) I read a book during my rainbow pregnancy titled, Pregnancy After A Loss. It was one of the most helpful books for me. Don't get me wrong, I still referred to my regular pregnancy books, but this one sat on my nightstand while the others remained on the bookshelf. Carol Lanham does such a great job at telling her readers what to expect in this different pregnancy. What types of special testing you may have that are not routine for normal pregnant woman. Most importantly, she addresses what your thoughts and feelings may be, and how to cope with them. These words really helped me relax during the bad times while pregnant with Erin. The main thing that many of those pregnant after a loss are asked to give up by their doctor is the level of stress on your body. Being high risk for preterm labor, I was not allowed to exercise (besides walking). I was put on bed rest from 26-36 weeks due to my cervix shortening, I also had to take weekly 17P alpha-Hydroxyprogesterone (17p) shots to help keep my body from going into preterm labor. Yes, this pregnancy was so different from my pregnancy with Rachel. I ran on a daily basis, felt great, and thought I could do anything a normal person could. I didn't feel bad for a second that I had to give those things up when I got pregnant with Erin. Because all that I wanted in the end was a healthy, living, breathing child. I would have done anything, no questions asked, to get that. So when people think that just because they ran a marathon while pregnant that you can too, I cringe. It takes every ounce of my being to not say anything to that person. (just to be nice) For those pregnant with their rainbow babies out there: If someone flat out tells you to ignore your doctor's reservations on anything while pregnant because they ran a marathon while pregnant and nothing happened to them; just walk away. You'll know that the decisions you make for your rainbow will be the best!

A Race for Others

2012-02-15T12:11:00.002-08:00

This March, I will be running a half marathon (13.1 miles) to help raise money for World Vision. Although this is by far not my first half marathon, I'm excited to be doing this race for two reasons:
1) The training has been helping me focus on losing my post-partum weight and getting back into shape. I only have about 11 pounds of 50 left to go! I need to lose it by mid May since Ping and I will be traveling to Hawaii for our 5 year wedding anniversary. All I have in my swim suit drawer are bikinis and I gotta look hot in them again. ("Stretch Mark Central" might have other plans)
2) Most importantly, this is the first race I will be raising funds for. Out of all the races I've done and the charity opportunities that have gone along with them I have always opted to just pay the registration fee and run the race. Our church, First Baptist Church of Flushing, has formed a team to raise money for World Vision. I've sent out letters via email asking for support and now have been sent 3 children to find people to sponsor. If you would like to help support my efforts and the efforts of World Vision, you can make a donation on my donation page. If you would like to sponsor one of the 3 children that I have here on my desk, you can simply contact me here or leave a comment to this post and I will contact you.
If you look on my donation page, you can see that I am wearing a shirt that says, "Always Running With Rachel Grace." When I was pregnant with Rachel, I continued to run with my doctor's blessing. To this day, I still feel Rachel's presence during every run. I always imagined continuing to run with her after she was born...pushing the jogging stroller and both of us soaking up our surroundings as they whizzed by. I am saddened that we never had that chance to run together like that, but it is comforting to know that she is still there with me out on the roads and waiting at each finish line, cheering me on. Now, with Erin in the stroller, I feel Rachel by my side keeping the two of us company.

What's Yours is Mine

2012-02-14T07:08:00.002-08:00

I've gotten into the good habit of only putting one food in front of Erin during meals. It not only helps her eat her veggies and other healthy things first, but helps cut down on the fuss if she doesn't want what I'm putting on her tray, but rather the other food at the table. This particular morning yogurt and grapes were on the menu for breakfast. I fed Erin her yogurt first and decided I would give her grapes while I ate my bowl of cheerios so her hands would be occupied. I bring out our foods, set down my bowl of cereal, and put a few grapes on her tray. I then proceed to grab my bowl of Cheerios and enjoy my breakfast. Erin had another plan: Simply scream bloody murder, throw the grapes on her tray to the floor and thrash about in her tiny chair until she obtains a few of what she thinks are her Cheerios.

10 Months Old Today!

2012-02-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

Erin is 10 months old today! I can't believe that it has been 10 months since I met her. It has gone by absolutely too fast! In just 2 short months, she'll be a year old and I'll officially have a toddler on my hands. Although, some days, Erin seems to already show some "toddler" like behavior. We get temper tantrums when I don't let her touch or play with certain things. Yesterday, I had to pin her down to change her poopy diaper. She was NOT happy about that! Once I was through, she let me know just how angry at me she was. Tears streaming down her face, drool coming out of her mouth, snot dripping from her nose, as her little hands held tight onto my legs as her face stared up at me begging for attention so she could be reassured that she has me wrapped around her little finger. Nope, sorry girl....tough love. It's moments like this that I find hard.
I think about these moments I didn't have with Rachel, how I would have handled it. I know I would have been a tough mom on her too. Sometimes, I think that as a baby loss mamma, I'm supposed to be soft and easy on my rainbow child. I feel guilty for those moments of tough love. I hear a part of me say, "She's only 10 months old, you have plenty of time to discipline her later, she just wants you to hold her. She's crying, pick her up." But the other part chimes in and reminds me that she IS 10 months old, she KNOWS what she did is wrong, and she MUST learn that she can NOT get away with it. There are going to be many tough parenting moments ahead in our life and I need to remind myself that tough love is still love and sometimes it is the best love you can give your child, rainbow or not.
Here is a picture of Erin today:

At 10 months, Erin can:
-pull to a stand
-Cruise well along furniture and people
-loves to eat exactly what everyone else is eating
-screams with delight at the sight of cheerios
-her favorite color seems to be purple
-she LOVES Veggie Tales (Sorry Nancy!)
- Loves to be walked around with our fingers
- Enjoys playing with other kids
- Can babble (baba, Dada) and even knows that Daddy is "Baba"

What's That Funky Smell?

2011-08-06T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's Erin's regurgitated formula.

     Stay at home moms are stereotyped as women who are frumpy. Frumpy is another word for "not well kept." I must confess, I have become this type of stay at home mom.

     I'll start off with my hair. For those of you who know me well, it takes a lot for me to not do my hair in the morning, even if it is always done in the same style. Blow dry, curling iron and a little hairspray to pat down the stuff the sticks up at my part. Doesn't ever take me that long to do my hair. (Unless I decide to curl it more than just the bottom) 10 minutes tops. Now days, I just blow dry the front. Two seconds, that's it. I leave the rest to air dry. What's the point when 11:00am comes around and it's put back into a pony tail anyway to keep Erin from grabbing at it all day. Plus, I'm shedding like crazy right now. That nice thick pregnancy hair is falling out.

     Make up: since I started wearing this stuff consistently in college (yes, college. Swim team in high school kept me from having time or caring to work on my face), I never go a day without it. Even if I know I won't leave the house that day, I still normally do it. My facial canvas is now left plain. Maybe I'll put some moisturizer on it, but some days it doesn't even get that treatment. I find it rather funny I still scratch my eye as if I'm afraid to ruin my mascara or eye shadow.

     My wardrobe: Where do I begin here? I believe I probably became a good candidate for TLC's "What Not To Wear" back in the 90's. (Too bad no one has nominated me yet. To my knowledge anyway) My style hasn't changed much since then. Jeans and a T-shirt. That's my signature look. Of course in the winter I might throw on my grey cardigan that I always carry around with me. I believe it has a hole in it too. I don't think anyone notices but me though. Grey goes with everything and it the cardigan looks somewhat stylish. Although, when I was teaching, I realized that kids are not afraid to tell you what everyone really thinks about what you look like. I've heard, "you wear the same thing every day" quite a few times from those 4th graders. I do switch it up: summer, it's shorts and a t-shirt. Now that I'm a stay at home mom, my closet hasn't changed much except my clothing size. :( I still wear a t-shirt and shorts around the house. My shorts are so old they have holes in the crotch. I don't care as I don't wear them outside. They are comfy and with the amount of spit up they meet, its good I keep my actual shorts in the dresser until I really need them to venture outside.

     Spit up: this seems to be my new fragrance. Not by choice, though. Erin has silent reflux. (silent reflux means the child catches their spit up on the way up and swallow it. This is in contrast to the traditional reflux which entails large amounts of projectile spit up) However, the silent part doesn't stay silent all the time. I believe my shirt acquires a good portion of her nasty smelling formula. Yeah, her formula smells bad. Really bad. She's on Alimentum, made my Similac. It's a special formula that has the milk protein already broken down. She drinks this because she can't tolerate anything else. (When I did breast feed her, she would even spit that out too.) That stuff is the worst smelling formula on the market! It smells before it's consumed and smells 10 times worse when its expelled from the body no matter what end. I even manage to get this down my shirt, on my bra, down my back, and other places I didn't think spit up could get to. I always keep a burp cloth either near me, in my hand or in a pocket to at least try to catch what comes from Erin's mouth at any unexpected moment. Tummy time...yeah, that's done 3 hours after she ate and she still manages to spit up a good amount at that time.

Yes folks, it true. I've fallen into that stereotype of a stay at home mom. I think I need to keep looking at the bright side: at least I'm exercising.

Nap Training continues

2011-07-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

It is currently Day 4 of nap training. I'm exhausted....exhausted from waking up at 5:30am to ensure that I get a shower in for the day before Erin wakes up at 7am. The whole idea of sleep begets sleep continuously plays in my mind. I'm finding myself more stressed, my teeth are clenched almost all morning just anticipating how the first nap would go. I'm anxious and antsy, but I know that I'm doing all I can to minimize over tiredness setting in badly at 4 months of age. Last night, I spent about an hour talking myself out of my strategy and into an entirely new one. I did some research on the "pick up/put down" method from the Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg. At 7 weeks of age, I have vowed to myself I was NOT going to use anymore of Tracy's material as putting Erin on that woman's routine at 2 months of age completely back fired on us and led to middle of the night wakings that were NOT for food. It also worsened Erin's Silent Reflux which resulted us putting her on Zantac. Well, I was sitting here talking myself into it. I posted on a Babycenter forum for sleep training (there is a group of women that post all with babes born in April) to get some feedback on my idea. I received a good pep talk from my accountability partner there who reassured me that changing a little bit of my nap routine is okay, but not completely. The goal is to keep with consistency as much as possible to make things work. If you aren't consistent, the child will not learn and thus you will not have success. This is true for ALL sleep and nap training methods. I decided to tweak my routine as such:

After Erin's book, I will rock her for 5-10 minutes with her paci instead of letting her have it in the crib. I tried this for nap 3 yesterday, and it worked really well. I would then place her in the crib, put my hand on her tummy for a bit and then walk out. If she began crying, this would be when I started the timing. Each time I go in, I would pick her up, pat her back (make sure she doesn't have air stuck in there) and gently place her back down. If began crying, reset clock. If she slept for a bit, or 15 minutes had passed before she began crying, I would go in immediately, soothe and then begin the timing for each time she cried right after.

My accountability partner agreed that this might be a better plan for Erin since she has not mastered sucking her digits yet.

Nap 1: began beautifully, she woke up at 42 minutes in, I tried to soothe but was unsuccessful at getting her back to sleep (She should be napping for at least an hour).

Nap 2: began beautifully as well. This time, she slept for 48 minutes before waking. She ended up completely refusing to take naps 2 & 3.

I really felt defeated at the end of day 4. I started wondering if I should have really done this or if I was doing the right thing. I wondered if this was ever going to work. I received some pep talks from some friends and decided to continue. I later learned that days 2-4 tend to be the worst.

Day 5:
Erin took a bit to settle for the first 2 naps. She protested a bit and then woke up early. I was successful at getting her back to sleep! This was also Ping's first day at the new routine. He was really good about it! The third nap, Erin wouldn't drop the paci like she usually does, so I put her in the crib, paci still in mouth (if she doesn't give it back in the chair she usually loses it in the crib transfer). I just left it and decided if it fell out and she was crying, I'd take it away then. No peep until I woke her up!

Day 6:
This day, I was nervous about...Sunday...church. Erin woke early from her first nap again, and wouldn't go back down. So, we got her ready for church. I entered the nursery, fed her, and gave her to one of the staff around her nap time. I told her she is supposed to nap now, and the woman asked me how I usually get her to nap. So wonderful when they are willing to work with you!! I told her our system and she agreed to do it. I kept second guessing myself while listening to the sermon. I should have just let her stay up and then did a late nap when we got home....I just pictured everything going off course. Service ended, we enter the nursery and who is sleeping in the crib!?! Erin!! The staff told me she went down easy! Awesome! Bummer: She woke up by a car horn on the street on our way home. Ping was able to get her back down for another hour though when we arrived home. Third nap: Erin fell asleep at her bottle so Ping just put her down. Awesome day!

Day7:
Whew! We made it through a week! I thought this day would NEVER come! Erin protested her first two naps, but not that much, I just had to do one reassurance and that was it! Her third nap she went down beautifully with no protest at all, just sucking away at her hands!

Today is Day 8:
So far Erin has been AWESOME! Well, she woke up an hour early. :( We also discovered diaper rash. She was really tired after her bottle (I gave it to her early) so I put her down for her first nap and decided to give her 3 hours if she wanted it. She did. Nap 2, no protest either! She also wouldn't give me the paci back. Let's hoping that our little girl is this sweet and sleep training is deemed successful!

Still loving those G's!

2011-07-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Erin has officially moved up to the medium size Gdiapers! The mediums are for babies that are 13-24 pounds. What's great about moving into the mediums is that you're pretty much golden in terms of the plastic liners and cloth/flushable inserts from here on out because they fit mediums, large and the new extra large gpants! I decided to use some resources and get as many used medium gdiapers as possible. It was hard to resist the Gsale that is going on right now (3 solid color gdiapers for $39!). I did buy into it once. I was able to get the rest of my stash gently used or used, but in excellent used condition. They are still working great and we have no leaks thus far!! I am very pleased! We love our G's!

Ferberizing.....

2011-07-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

When Erin was born, many people suggested the book, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. He is a world renowned pediatrician in the Chicago area (wish he was in NYC) who specializes in sleep disorders in children. I ordered the book on Amazon along with a few others: Baby Whisperer, and Baby Sleep Guide. Out of the three, I like Weissbluth the best. It was the hardest of the three to read, but made the best sense to me. Weissbluth tells you that you can begin sleep training and putting your child on a schedule at around 6 weeks of age at the earliest. This is only to be done when you are DESPERATE and going back to work. Ping and I weren't desperate at that point and decided to wait until Erin was 3-4 months to sleep train her. Weissbluth says that for the common fussy baby, the best time to sleep train and nap train is between 12-16 weeks of age. The first 3 months of a babies life, many parents are sleep deprived but also find their babies VERY portable. They sleep in the stroller, the car seat, while at the grocery store, through a fire drill and other loud obnoxious things. But, somewhere around 3 months, that same Mom is at the grocery store looking for the best deal on pasta sauce and suddenly looks into the car seat (that takes up more room in her cart than the food does) and is surprised to see that their child is NOT sleeping! Rather, she is laughing and cooing at the stupid ad on the cart's seat! For me, the revelation took place while Erin and I were out for our morning run. Erin was pretty good at sleeping through this and for an additional hour when we got home. This made for perfect timing for me to shower and enjoy some time to myself before she woke. That Thursday morning, as I finished a running interval, I heard a sound, "OOOOOHHHHH!!!" I looked down and saw Erin enjoying the trees passing by above her! Now, Erin has woken up a few times before this and then has dozed back off a minute or two later. But today was life changing....she did NOT go back to sleep! CRAP! What do I do now? I got home, and found myself at a crossroads: do I put her in her crib and try to soothe her back to sleep or do I put her in her bouncer to play while I shower. At the second "agoo" and third smile, I decided to put her in her bouncer. I didn't have time to soothe her (who knows how long that will take!) and get out the door with a shower in the next 40 minutes!

Just as I turn the shower off, I hear Miss "fussy pants" emerge. Oh geez. Here we go. I had NO time to deal with this. We had to meet my counselor in 30 minutes! I put her on the bed under the playmat to entertain her, the hairdryer scared her. I kept talking to her to calm her...not working. I finally got her in the car seat to go. Of course, she fell asleep in there, but only for 20 minutes before I had to feed her! I noticed that our morning walks/runs were not going to happen again for a while a few days later when the same thing was happening each day. That's when I decided to throw in the towel and.....

FERBERIZE HER!

Dr. Ferber is also known for his sleep training methods. He, however, advises not to do it before 4 months. But my plan, I have to try it now. Nothing else will soothe Erin to sleep for a quality nap anymore, I have to let her CRY IT OUT a little.

Dr. Ferber's method is a "graduated extinction" method of cry it out. (Dr. Weissbluth outlines this method in his book as well) This means that you go into the room at set intervals to soothe the baby until they fall asleep during one of those intervals. The intervals gradually get longer and longer each time. The intervals can go as follows: 5, 10, 15, 20 minutes. For naps, the longest interval should be 20 minutes and the nap should be considered a failure at the one hour mark from putting them down. For Bed time, as long as it takes or what you are comfortable with.

Tuesday, 1 day shy of Erin's 3 month birthday (Happy 3 months, Erin!), I took the plunge. Here is my plan: Naptime routine will go as follows: go in room, change diaper, turn on sound machine, sit in rocker and read a book, rock a few minutes more (get that cuddle time in) with her pacifier until she is drowsy, then lay Erin in the crib with her blankie. I will then sit with her for 5 minutes with her pacifier (it soothes her, yet she can't keep the stupid thing in her mouth yet), then leave the room. Nap time routine totals about 10 minutes. If Erin begins to cry, I will set the clock for 5 minutes. If she is still crying at that 5 minute mark, I will go in and soothe her WITHOUT picking her up for ONE minute. Erin lasted 20 minutes before she started crying. After 5 minutes, I went in, gave her a kiss on the cheek, gently told her that it was nap time, and I rubbed her belly while "Shhhhing" for 1 minute. I then quietly left the room. She began dozing off at the end of the minute. Naps 2 and 3 yesterday went without any crying!

Yesterday, Ferberizing day 2:
Nap 1: routine done, 20 minutes later, began crying, after 5 minutes, I went in and soothed, the moment I closed the door, she began crying again. Because Erin is a little on the young side, I decided the next interval would be 7 instead of 10 minutes. At the 5 minute mark of that interval, she stopped crying and fell asleep. Little worse than yesterday, but still pretty good.

Nap 2: routine done, started protesting 16 minutes later, she began crying 4 minutes after that. I set my timer for 7 minutes. I went in after 7 minutes, soothed 1 minute and left. Crying started again the moment I left the room, I set my timer for 10 minutes, went in and soothed 1 minute, crying started again when I left the room, I set my timer for 15 minutes. She stopped crying after 5 minutes.

Nap 3: routine done, started crying after 15 minutes, went in at 5, minutes, 10, minutes, 15 minutes. At the 15 minute interval, I gave her the pacifier back since she was so worked up that just me rubbing her belly was not calming her. She actually kept the thing in her mouth at the end of a minute so I just left it there. She fell asleep, but only got 15 minutes in before I had to get her up at 5:30 to preserve her bedtime at 7:30.

Today, nap training day 3:
Seemed to be worse than yesterday a bit.

Nap 1: complete fail. Routine done, started crying after 10 minutes, waited 5, 7 and 10 minutes. After the 10 minute mark I had to get her up because we needed to leave to see my counselor. She dozed on and off in the carseat for 1.5 hours. I don't consider that a good nap.

Nap 2: Complete fail. This could have been a success. After I finished with my counselor, we went to Starbuck's for Erin and I to eat. Erin was quite gassy and there was no changing table there, so I decided I would change when we got home. She smelled like she pooped. We left at noon, giving us an hour to get home before nap 2 began. 12:30, she falls asleep in the car. DANG IT! This was really bad...that diaper change was going to wake her up! But I didn't want her to sit in her crap and get a diaper rash! I tried the best I could to change her without stimulating her too much, but no dice. I opened the diaper and was shocked to see NO POOP! AH man! I could have completely avoided this!!! So, routine done, started crying the moment I left the room. waited 5, 7, 10, 15 minutes and nap failed. I got her up to play a little and try again within the hour. Well, that hour would be up at the time her next feeding was due, so I fed her early...she is falling asleep at the bottle, or course! By the end of the bottle, she's totally awake though, and now it is usually the time for nap 3.

Nap 3: I begin our routine again. This time, I cut out the book because I know she's just so overtired! I just rocked her for longer with the pacifier until she was VERY drowsy. Then I laid her in her crib at while point she wakes up. I offered the pacifier again, but she wouldn't open her mouth for it and she started to drift off again. I stayed one minute to make sure she was really drifting off, then quietly left the room. Over a course of 20 minutes I heard two short wimpers and then nothing. She's still sleeping I hope.

They say you should start sleep training with the nights first and then once the nights are mastered, to move on to naps. Erin has never had a problem with her night sleep (she's been sleeping through the night for 4 weeks now) so this is why I started nap training. Experts also say that nap training is MUCH harder than night time training and can take longer to get down. It's starting to get harder for me to hear her cry, but I have to do it...NOTHING else will soothe her anymore! I hope Erin learns quick, but for now, I'm sticking to my guns.

Shrieks, Squeals, Screams, and Cuteness

2011-05-28T06:23:00.000-07:00

These cute eyes right here were the same eyes that were wide open yesterday, soaking up all the details of the exam room. Those eyes studied Dr. Grijnstein's (pronounces Greensteen) face when he walked in the room and touched her, poked her and prodded her. She was the perfect patient. So cute and cuddly. She really studied his face up close when he fed her the oral vaccine. No matter how much of it didn't get into her mouth, as she sat on Mommy's lap, she was as cute as can be. Then, the horror happened......the left thigh was penetrated by a long sharp needle. The moment it left her leg was the moment my heart broke. Now, I have seen my nephew at 6 months hit his head on a toy and start to cry like this. I have never seen Erin cry like this until that moment. It's the cry that breaks you because you know your child is really in pain. It's the cry that speaks the end of the world to them and nothing will be better again! As I watched her face turn a deep maroon color, her mouth opened as wide as possible, all I could do was hug her and remind her to breathe....because at that moment, to you, it seems like they aren't going to take another breath. And when she finally did, it was the loudest, most high pitched, ear piercing scream I had ever heard come out of her mouth. I did not think that such a little person was capable of such a scream....I had never heard it before. Then came the right thigh. Before the doctor even put the needle in, she began screaming upon the slightest touch! After 10 minutes, some rocking and a good suck on the pacifier, she felt safe and secure in her car seat. The next 3 and a half hours were bliss for me and Erin. She had a bottle when we got home. I gave her some Tylenol upon doctors orders and took a nice nap in her bouncy seat while I got things done. As I looked at her, she seemed so peaceful and calm, I then wanted to cuddle with her. I felt so bad for what she endured a few hours earlier, I just wanted to hold her in my arms. We spent an hour cuddling and after Ping arrived home from work, I passed her off to him so he could greet her. Then the horror started... all she did was shriek and scream. Erin would scream that ear piercing scream the moment one of us would take her off our chest and pass her to the other. We had to hold her close in order for her to not wail and save our ear drums. By the time 8pm rolled around, Ping started to draw the water for her bath. I called my sister on the verge of tears wondering if we would have a baby glued to our chests all night long. She reassured me one night wasn't going to break the nice habit she has of sleeping in her crib. I was skeptical, but said okay and hung up the phone. As we set Erin in her bath, the fussiness calmed down a bit. She normally loves her bath and is just like Ping in that she likes her water on the warmer side. Warmer meaning that if any seasoned caregivers tested it, they'd say it was too hot for a baby. But for Erin, anything colder than that, she hates. After the bath, we put her jammies on and I read her a book while Ping prepared her bottle. Erin drank from the bottle as she drifted off to sleep. I burped her, cuddled her on my shoulder for a bit and gently laid her in her crib. This was the moment of truth, I thought. She would either scream or go right to sleep as usual. Erin chose the latter! We are so blessed to have such a beautiful girl. So normally easy going, that I think we can thank our lucky stars that only this type of screaming seems to come out when she gets her shots....so far.

My First Day Back

2011-05-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Can someone please cut me a slice of humble pie? This morning marked my first day back running. I have been looking forward to this date for the past 10 months or so. Last week, I prepared myself by thinking about how I was going to ease back into running. After I lost Rachel, I just got out there and did what I had to do to make myself feel better. Too much too soon led to an injury. I didn't want to repeat that experience again this time around. I know a lot of runners who have used the Couch to 5K training plan to ease back into running after a long hiatus, so I decided now would be my chance to try this plan out. I found it online and printed off a copy. "Yes! I'm so excited!" I told myself. I then looked at the calendar and marked a week from then that I would start running again. The plan calls for running 3 days a week for 9 weeks with a slow build up to running continuously for 30 minutes or 3.1 miles. I counted the 9 weeks and saw my end date: July 23. "Hmmm...I wonder if there is a 5K near by that is on that date?" I go to my local and not so local running club pages and search through their events. "Aha! July 23rd, Long Beach, NY...5K!" I decided to run Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I discussed my plan with Ping: "I'll feed Erin that last early morning feed (usually around 5am) and then run after. That way I will be done before you head off to work. Then Saturday mornings, you will be here too. Also, there happens to be a 5K race at the end of this, can I register?" "That all sounds fine to me." Ping replied. I'm so thankful to have a husband on board with this!

Okay, back to this morning. Well, rewind a little bit. Ping feeds Erin at 11pm, then heads to bed. Around 3:30, I notice Erin stirring and telling us she's ready to eat again. (I was a bit shocked as this is the longest she's gone at night without eating, ever!) Ping was supposed to get this one. But I realized that I would be feeding Erin at 6:30am, thus not allowing me to run! He told me he would take the 6am feed if I did this and I can still run. What a sweetheart! I really love this man!

Okay, now, really back to this morning. 6am, alarm goes off. I roll out of bed (with a split second guess of whether I should go or not), get on my new running clothes (yes new, because I don't yet fit into my old ones!), lace up my shoes, blow off the dust and power up my Garmin 205 and head out the door.

First part: brisk 5 minute walk. No problem. My watch beeps to tell me to move onto the the next thing: run/jog for 60 seconds....I then move into a running pace, or what I thought I remembered running to be! The first 10 steps were more of a balancing act making sure I actually don't fall flat on my face. It seemed that every one of those 10 steps I took, my feet kept hitting each other as they passed. I'm sure to the common spectator across the street, they pegged me for a weirdo: someone who has obviously never run before in their life, yet has this running watch that screams: "I take running seriously."

Beep...Beep...Beep....next phase: walk 90 seconds. Whew! That was a bit of a nightmare! Walking is good, I can do walking.

I had 7 more rounds of that to go. With each round of running, my body started to get a little better at it. I'm sure I still looked like a goof though. It's nice to know that at 6am the only people out on the street in NYC are those that are walking their dogs one last time before they stuff them back in their tiny apartment and head into the city for the next 8-12 hours.

As I reached the end of my run, I felt better...better to be back out on the road and better to be running again. Now please hand me the rest of that pie.

Everyone is asking me....

2011-05-07T07:41:00.000-07:00

What kind of diapers are those??

They're gDiapers!! A hybrid diaper that is really awesome! The many colors and styles make it easy to get addicted to as well! When I first thought about what diapers I would put on my child, the question was simple: Cloth or disposable? I researched cloth diapers and was a little intimidated by the care and how many ways you can care for them now. There were so many brands and styles to choose from. Then I thought to myself, what do I want to be doing at the end of my day: washing diapers, or taking out the trash? For two weeks, my mind was made up: take out the trash. But I just couldn't shake the fact that it takes 200 years for one disposable diaper to biodegrade completely in a landfill. It bothered me knowing this. I looked at cloth again, and read more about care, felt a little more confident doing cloth diapers, but didn't like the idea of using cloth when out and about. The cost of cloth at home and disposables while out didn't make sense to me. Then, I discovered the hybrid diaper! A three part diaper that allows you to do disposable OR cloth! You have the outer "gpant" that the child wears all day. This is the fun colorful part. The waterproof snap in "gliner" that is the barrier to keep the mess contained. And the insert: either disposable (biodegrades in 30 days, compostable, flushable or trashable) or cloth! The cloth inserts are to be washed seperately just like any other cloth diaper. While the liners and gpants can be washed with the baby's clothes.

So what is my opinion about gDiapers so far? Now that Erin is 3 weeks old, she is still in her "tiny g's" for newborns and I LOVE THEM! The biodegradable liner is so absorbant, I've gone up to 3 hours without changing her and probably could have gone longer! As Erin is approaching 7 pounds, I have found the fit around her legs to be getting snug. Ping and I decided to try the smalls on her to see if she could fit in them...Nope, she leaked right through, so back into her tiny's she went.

I then finally had enough cloth inserts to begin completely cloth diapering! I was so excited! About an hour later Erin needed a change. Great! cloth insert loaded in her tiny g and ready to go on her bum. The fit was nice and I was environmentally happy. An hour later....I noticed a leak. Okay, maybe I didn't put her diaper on right. With gdiapers it is important that you have the "seal" around the legs otherwise you will get leaks. I try a second, then a third, fourth....a full day of cloth diapering and ALL of them leaked!! Now, I was frustrated! I posted on gdiaper's Facebook page (responses from gdiapers and other "gmoms" are pretty quick there. That's when I found out that the tiny g's are not meant to be used with the gcloth inserts! Bummer! You mean I have to wait until Erin is in her small's to go full on cloth!?! Something I was never aware of and was not posted on gdiaper's website when I did my research before buying. My suggestion, hold off on buying the tiny g's until a) you know your baby's weight and b) if you are going to do full on gcloth from the beginning.

As Erin gets bigger and moves into her smalls, I will let you know more about what I think about gdiapers! But I love them thus far!

A New Member of our Family

2011-05-03T05:44:00.000-07:00

I must confess, for most of you, I've been keeping a secret....and now I'm ready to reveal the newest member of our family: Erin Rachel Lee!

Erin was born via c-section on April 13th, 2011 at 12:50pm. She was 5 pounds, 14 ounces at birth and 19 inches long. We love every minute we spend with her and are so happy to finally have a child we can take home with us.

One thing everyone has been asking me lately is if I am nursing Erin. I'm elated to say, "not anymore!" In the beginning, I thought the two of us had hit it off quite well in this arena, but we quickly found out that we didn't and it was a long two week battle for us. I started to have some pretty serious PPD because of our nursing experience and was on the fence about quitting a week after Erin was born. Each time Erin would nurse of over an hour and still not be satiated was a huge upset for me. I began to have feelings of resentment towards Erin, even though I knew none of it was her fault. Those feelings made me feel even worse about myself because after losing Rachel, I never in a million years expected to every have an ounce of resentment towards my future children. And here I was having that feeling! I saw a lactation consultant as a last resort. She was highly recommended by a personal friend and also advertised in our pediatrician's office. I left that appointment still feeling frustrated and told Ping I wasn't sure if it was worth the money. I went home and began the next nursing session with Erin. I tried all the techniques I learned from the consultant. Erin nursed for over an hour and half and was still hungry! I was at my breaking point. Ping would have to help me take breaks to compose myself, calm down and then feel okay to try again. 90 minutes into it, I handed Erin off to Ping and said, I'm done. I can't keep feeling this way about our daughter. I've been so happy about my decision! I have been able to enjoy Erin so much more, I'm sleeping better and am happier being a mom too. Yes, maybe I didn't try hard enough, or keep practicing the techniques I learned from the lactation consultant, but in the moment during that last nursing session, I knew this was not for us. My only concern is that Erin is healthy and thriving, and she wasn't when we were nursing. We both weren't happy and satisfied.

Erin is starting to open her eyes up more and look around. Unfortunately, she likes to do this at 2:30am. Not okay for us. I want to go back to sleep! If you have any tips out there to train this child to know night from day and when it is appropriate to be awake and asleep, please, let us know! For now, say hello to Erin!

We Need A Little Help Over Here!

2010-12-01T10:07:00.001-08:00

Last year, around this time, my father-in-law said that this year, we needed to get a Christmas Tree for Rachel. His reasoning was since we would have a baby around, we needed a tree for the baby. This puzzled Ping a bit because he never had a tree growing up. I think they were encouraging us to start our own traditions since we would have our own family. I, obviously, would love a tree as I grew up with one. But, Rachel is not here. It would be a nice thing to do for her in her memory, but there are a few practicalities we need to work out. I thought maybe you could help us.

1) where would we put the tree? (Obviously only those that have been to our place would know this)

2) should we get a fake or live tree? (remember, fake means storage space….which we pretty much don’t have)

3) How should we decorate it? We have no ornaments or lights, so we would have to buy these things. Since this year’s tree would be a thing for Rachel, is there a special way we should decorate it?

4) How big of tree should we get? What is manageable for a NY apartment?

5) Since Ping’s parents just moved to China yesterday (yes yesterday) and Ping’s brother will be in Atlanta with his Fiancée for Christmas, it is just Ping and I. What should we do for Christmas? (Sorry, we will NOT be flying to Seattle.)

Takin' It Easy

2010-08-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I've given an update. The summer has been very busy and thus has flown by. I can't believe that next week will be September already! Aside from me working at Boon's Summer Camp this summer, Ping and I have tried to get out more. We saw 2 movies: Twilight: Eclipse, and Inception. I would highly recommend inception. Ping would recommend both. We also spent a weekend on the upper westside visiting Harlem and The Cloisters. It was quite a trek due to some trains not running, but we made it. Our first stop was in Harlem for lunch at the famous Amy Ruth's restaurant. Good ole soul food straight up. They are famous for their waffles paired with a fried meat dish. They also have good mac and cheese (from what I hear). Let me tell you, Amy Ruth's has THE BEST Belgian waffle I have EVER tasted! It was lightly crisp on the outside and immediately melted upon entering your mouth. Mmmmm....I'm salivating just typing about it! Paired with our waffles, Ping ordered the fried chicken wings. Very delicious. Since I had been to Rosco's Chicken and Waffle house in L.A., I decided to try the fried shrimp with my waffle. Very good, but not as good as the chicken.

After lunch, we headed up to The Cloisters. The Cloisters is a part of the Metropolitan Museum of Art that features medieval European art. Now, Ping and I both are not art savy, nor are we the type to stand in front of an object, ooh and awe over it and try to interpret what the artist wanted to tell us. The museum was beautiful I have to say, mostly because of the building it was located in had incorporated elements of the French cloisters and from monastic sites in southern France. The Cloisters is located in beautiful Fort Tyron Park. Fort Tyron is composted of quiet lawn areas, pathways, stairways and floral gardens. All overlooking the Hudson River. I have added some pictures in my album for you to see. Enjoy!

Brooklyn Half Marathon

2010-06-14T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since I've posted here. I feel like my life have been strangely busy this past month and with VBS/Summer Camp coming up, it's not going to slow down. May 22nd, I ran the Brooklyn Half Marathon. This race felt a little different compared to the last two years I've ran it. The crowd was a tad smaller due to some, ahem, poor registration execution on the organizer's part. My parents were in town and they had the opportunity to watch my race for the first time. This gave Ping the excuse to come watch as well! My parents flew in the early evening prior. We headed straight from the airport to the baseball game (Subway series: Mets v. Yankees) and decided to have dinner at the ballpark. We chose to have crab cakes and french fries. I could have played it safe and gone for pizza, but the crab cakes looked SO good! The fries were doused in this creole seasoning which was overpowering without dipping them into the cheese sauce that came with it. Mets lost, Yankees won and we headed home. With just under 5 hours of sleep, My parents, Ping and I headed out to the start. Ping dropped us off at Prospect Park and continued out to the finish at Coney Island and waited for us there. The weather was nice...mid 60s and partly cloudy. I took my GU with a few other people near a water fountain and trash can on my way to the start corral. I lined up, said good-bye to Mom and Dad and was ready. I was a little emotional because the last time that I ran in Prospect Park, I was pregnant with Rachel. The gun went off and it took only a minute for me to get to the start line. We did 2 full loops (first 7 miles) of the park which meant climbing a large hill twice. I saw Mom and Dad twice in the park and planned to see them at the finish line. I felt really strong and my pace was always between a 8:30-8:45 in the park. I started to get a little worried around mile 6 because if I was going fast now, I would crash on the parkway. We exited the park and onto the parkway. There was water and Gatorade every stop (unlike most NYRR races) and this year, they were well stocked and manned. I took my first GU at mile 6. The parkway was nice an flat, slight downhill too. It was still mostly cloudy so I didn't get to have to fight for limited shade on the parkway. The miles just flew by. Around mile 10, I was starting to feel the need to use the restroom. There was no toilet around and felt I could still hold it. However, just at mile 11, I felt a gas bubble come through. Along with the gas, came a little liquid form of poo. OMG! I was so embarrassed! I've NEVER crapped myself on a run before!! I guess you could say I am a hard core runner now. haha. I thought for a second as I saw a porta john there if I should go or just book it to the end. I felt more coming and ended up choosing the toilet rather than greatly defecate all over myself. Thank god there was one open and I forced it all out to cut down on time. I felt better now that I was empty, and booked it out of the toilet, jumped the guard rail and back onto the course. I decided to run the last 2.1 miles like a 5K so I could make up for the lost time. I was really pushing it. I crossed the finish line in 1:56:33! Not a PR (1:55:47), but a sub-2 which is what I wanted! Ping was there at the finish line and my parents missed me as the train took longer than expected. I ended up having a huge streak of the runs. I went another 6 or 7 times in the next few hours! I later figured out that you should NEVER mix Gatorade and GU or any other energy gel. Oops! Lesson learned! Here is a picture of me finishing my second loop of the Park. You can see more pictures here.

The Day We All Said, "Good-Bye"

2010-05-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

It felt strange walking back from the funeral home on Thursday. Here I had my daughter in a box inside a brown paper bag, all the while other women on the street had their children in a stroller. I entered the apartment and didn't quite know where to put Rachel. Should I put her in what was supposed to be her bedroom? No, it's filled with boxes and I don't want her to be amongst boxes. Should I put her on the coffee table? No, it would be weird to eat dinner and stare at her remains. Maybe the kitchen. I could show her how to cook. Okay, that is kind of morbid. The desk is too cluttered with Ping's exam material, and our bedroom seemed kind of weird. I decided to place Rachel on the AC unit next to her memory box. (There's no room on the window sill next to it). There she sat, for 2 days.

Friday, I had a meltdown in anticipation of the next day. There were things I wanted to do or say and Ping didn't agree with my ideas. I took the day off of work as I couldn't compose myself in time to teach the roudy kids.

Saturday, May 1st, we planned to scatter Rachel's ashes at the Lake in Central Park. I got up early to go for a run. Today ended up being the Virtual Critter 5K. (I will save this race report for another post in a few days) It was warm and sunny today and it felt good to burn some left over steam from yesterday. The high was in the mid 80s which meant that by the time we reached Central Park, it was littered with tourists. We even had to fight through the tour groups entering the park. (Apparently the W 72nd Ave entrance is popular) Peter, Arianne (Pete's girlfriend), my father and mother in law, Ping and I circled about 3/4 or the lake before we found a somewhat secluded area to hold our mini "ceremony." I took Rachel out of my purse (again, felt odd carrying her there with so many other kids in strollers), and we each took turns placing them in the lake. The only outside party member that watched and stared the entire time was a turtle. I'm sure he/she didn't mind as long as we didn't disturb it from sun bathing.

Next, we each wrote a note to Rachel on a pink balloon before sending them off into the sky. There were moments where I felt my eyes well up with tears, but overall, it was a healing experience for us.

Psychologists say that the worst loss anyone can experience is the loss of their own child. Studies show that the depth of the grieve one person goes through does not vary in intensity regardless of the age of the child. Grieving can take just a short time (like it has for Ping), months or years for some. Through my support group at the hospital, I've seen the steps I've taken in my grief and am glad that I am progressing, but I also know that I am no where near the end of this grieving process. I have learned that I can't push it, deny it, or erase it. All I can do is, like a disease infiltrating the body, just let it run its course.

Good-Bye Rachel. You will always be loved and missed. And you will never be forgotten.

I'm back in the Saddle Again!

2010-04-20T09:39:00.000-07:00

No! I'm not trying to have another baby right now! Are you crazy!?! I lost Rachel only 3 months ago! I'm talking about racing. Last Saturday, April 17th, I rant he Garden City Race for a Cure 5K. It was such a different feel from all the other races I've done in NYC. This was my first small town race and non-NYRR race (not counting the World Vision 5K). It was so nice to wake up at 7am (instead of 5am), get in my car (instead of walk to the subway) and drive for 35 minutes (instead of ride the train for 1-2 hours) to run for under half an hour. In January, I made a goal for myself to run more non-NYRR races (in NYC that means, races in Long Island). I was getting tired of the large crowds (2,000-5,000) and wanted to experience a more small town, local feel. Besides the moments of disorganization from the race directors, I had so much fun, I even stayed to watch the awards ceremony! I've never done that with NYRR! There were just under 300 runners. The course was flat and fast and I was excited to actually race a race (something I hadn't done in almost a year). Mile 1 was great....had a medium to difficult effort. My split was shouted out by someone on the street with a stopwatch, "7:34!" Mile 2 was tougher, I was trying to keep my pace and started to feel fatigue set in. I was doubting if I could keep up this pace, but quickly erased from my mind and kept pushing it harder. The split times via stopwatch at Mile 2 was, "13:33!" Could that really be? I did a 6 minute mile? That's got to be off. I round a few more corners pushing harder to keep my pace up. I reached the final stretch of the course, could see the finish line in the distance and felt the wind start to blow against me. I pushed even harder to fight it. I'm sure glad that the last mile of my training route is uphill against the wind. That practice paid off! I crossed the finish line in 20:26. What that heck!?! That's not possible! I soon found out that the course was changed last minute and ended up being short (2.8 miles instead of 3.1). When results were posted I was really proud of myself! I finished 89th overall and 6th in my age group! I did the math afterward to determine was my time would be at the actual 5K distance: 22:25. A new PR! I'm back!

Genetic Jargon

2010-04-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day of peace for us. Dr. Bialer, our Geneticist, called with the results on the "Lee Family genes." Dr. Bialer was able to confirm that Rachel did in fact have Uni-parental Disomy, paternal, 14 (pat UPD 14). What does this mean? It means that Rachel received 2 #14 chromosomes for Ping and none from me. Research suggests that what initially happens is that a trisomy occurs (2 chromosomes of Ping's and one of mine), the embryo tries to correct itself, but ends up getting rid of the wrong chromosome, thus ending up with both of Ping's and none of mine. Pat UPD 14 is extremely rare, there are only about a dozen recorded cases in the world. Most of these cases are translocation or mosaic UPD14. This means that the broken chromosome has reattached to another chromosome such as #13 or #15. We know that Rachel did not have translocation or mosaic as her chromosome count was normal. This makes her case even more rare. We were told that UPD14 does have a high miscarriage rate. However, Dr. Bialer cannot confirm that this was the cause of my preterm labor. We have to take into account that her heart muscles were week and her kidneys stopped working. Why? We will never know the answer to that. The good news....the recurrence rate for UPD 14 is extremely low. Our chances of conceiving another child with this genetic disorder is slim to none. This statistic doesn't put my heart at ease though. The rare happened to us, and that makes the rare a reality.

More Photos

2010-04-07T17:29:00.000-07:00

Just to let you all know, I added more photos to my album from the race. The photos are courtesy of Jennifer Chung, Sunny's mom. Thank you Jennifer! You can view them by clicking on "view my gallery" to the right.

World Vision 13.1 Race

2010-04-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I took part in the Inaugural 13.1 Marathon and 5K benefiting World Vision. It took place in Flushing Meadows Corona Park- a nice flat and fast course. Due to my previous heel injury, I dropped from the half marathon to the 5K Sunny, who is in middle school from church, and Stan signed up for the 5K as well. This was Sunny's first race. Sunny just started running and had not trained well. We walked a majority of the race. Per doctor's orders, I was not allowed to run the race for time, so I stuck with her to keep her company. Kat, Philip, Tracy and Veronica all ran the half marathon. This was Philip and Veronica's first attempts at this distance. The weather was nice and sunny. Audrey, a friend of mine ran the half with my timing chip (I was not able to use it in the 5K) and got me a PR of 1:51! I really hope I can run that time someday soon. Audrey wore her shirt in memorial of Liz Duncan. Liz is a friend of ours who was struck by a car and killed while running in April of 2007. Liz's memorial race took place yesterday as well in Washington State. Ellen ran the half marathon too. She finished with a PR of 2:06! Ellen, her boyfriend Charlie, Ping and I all got together afterward for lunch. Given it's first year of this race, it was well organized and I would definitely do it again. Here is a picture of Stan, Veronica, Sunny and Philip before the start. You can view more pictures here.

Tips

2010-03-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

I read a helpful message back in January when Rachel first passed:

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric AND I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring her safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for her for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give her a childhood. I am so angry at my body and my actions you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond.

-Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Do NOT say, "Please allow yourself time to grieve." Every time I speak in sadness about my daughter. What does that really mean anyway?!? You want me to go and hide until I'm all better?!? All I need is an ear to hear, nothing else.

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

They Say Running is Therapeutic.....

2010-03-19T09:46:00.000-07:00

I agree tremendously! During the month of January while I was recovering from my surgery, I couldn't wait to bust out and start running again. The last day I ran was Christmas morning with Rachel. That first run February 3rd was such a great moment and humbling too! In just 5 weeks, I had gone from waddling pretty well 3 miles a day to barely being able to run 3 blocks! This is horrible! I thought. I signed up for a half marathon that is in 8 weeks and I can't even run a 1/2 mile! I decided I would get my butt in gear and ramp up my mileage so I would be in shape for this next race. Running also gave me an outlet to escape from this world. All that came crashing down about 3 weeks ago when I finished a 7 mile run. My heel hurt. I had a day of rest the next day and would run again on Monday so I didn't think anything of it. But when Monday came, my 3 mile run was extremely painful. That's when it hit me....I had my first running injury. I was angry to have to take some time off. Our stationary bike at home helped substitute my cardio, but every runner will tell you that a bike just doesn't do it for a runner when needing to exercise. I tested my heel a week later with a 3 mile run, but the pain was still there. Even walking was painful. I decided to see a sports medicine doc. I made an appointment for the following week. Meanwhile, I kept biking until, a week ago, my darn bike BROKE! Now I was really devastated! What was I supposed to do for cardio! I'm addicted to cardio! Finally, Wednesday comes around and I see my doc. A very easy run/walk the morning prior showed me that I was pain free, but I wanted to make sure nothing was still wrong before I really got back into running. Dr. King was amazing. He check not only my feet but my legs, knees, hips and back. Since I was pain free he cleared me to run....SLOWLY recover. So what happened that made me get injured? I did too much too fast. The simplest rule a runner is NEVER supposed to break. I did it because it was my escape, it felt good and helped me get through my day. Yes, running IS my therapy.

Back to the Beginning

2010-03-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

We got the complete autopsy results yesterday and it showed nothing more than the fact that Rachel died due to complications of her condition. Neither us or Dr. Koppell had heard from UCLA yet so he called them since it had been 8 weeks. Apparently their results were in the mail so he had them fax a copy to him. He called in the afternoon with their report. UCLA's Cedar Sinai has a preliminary diagnosis of Uniparental Disomy 14 (UPD 14). They want tissue samples sent to them to confirm the diagnosis. I thought tissues had already been sent when she passed, but apparently it was just her x-rays. Ironically, it seems that UPD 14 has pretty much the same presentation at Jeune's Syndrome, small rib cage, widened iliac bone and short limbs. The only thing I haven't been able to see about UPD 14 is Kidney problems, which Rachel had at birth. She also didn't show a short stature which UPD 14 can show, she just had short limbs. She also didn't have any cranial abnormalities in her bones nor did she have any hernias which is consistent with UPD 14. I know in the end it doesn't matter what she had because it doesn't change the fact that she is not here anymore, but I am bothered by this possible diagnosis, I guess it just puts me back at square one with everything.

It took me a while to write this...

2010-02-25T18:10:00.000-08:00

I can't rewrite this again, so I just copied and pasted it (I wrote it shortly after all events took place):
I gave birth to little Rachel Grace on 1/3/10 at 25 weeks gestation. Rachel was diagnosed after birth with Jeune's Syndrome. A rare genetic disorder (affects 1:130,000 live births a year) that affects the long bones, especially the rib cage. Rachel was in the NICU and passed away on 1/5/10. This is the hardest thing in life that I have ever had to endure. I miss Rachel so much. I wasn't ready to see her yet, and when I did I wasn't ready to let her go. We moved to a new apartment 4 days before she was born. The reason why we moved, so Rachel could have her own room. I look at the empty room and just don't want to live here anymore. Too bad we are stuck in a lease. We chose this place specifically for her...the room, the washer/dryer in the unit (Difficult to find in NYC), the large roof top terrace for her to play on in the summer/warm days. Now, you walk in, our place smells like a flower shop, a huge pile of cards sit next the flowers that all are riddled with "we're sorry for your loss" and random bible verses that are supposed to give you strength in times of trial. Those words in the Bible right now, make me angry and don't give me comfort. My faith in God has been totally dumped upside down. Rachel got her first piece of mail- her social security card. I had no idea what to do with it. It was totally weird to see her name printed on an envelope. Rachel's memory box given to us by the NICU sits amongst the flowers. All I want to do is stare at it all day. I wake up every morning and wonder what am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to go on in life when I've spent the last 6 months preparing for our daughter to join us 3 months from now? I dread facing the world- going back to work, answering questions from my students who loved Rachel just as much as Ping and I. I also think, What can I do to raise awareness regarding Jeune's Syndrome? A few of my friends did donate in Rachel's name to the tiny foundation that exists. My older sister is doing a book drive for the NICU that Rachel stayed at since when I was there I was not allowed to hold her (until she passed away in my arms) and they only had 3 children's books for me to read to her (which they had to spend a few hours hunting down). A strong part of me wants to get pregnant again right away, but I know that part is just trying to fill the void. I feel like I have lost the purpose in my life. How do I go one from here? How do I heal. I'm not crying as much anymore, about every few days. I blame myself for Rachel's death. I keep thinking, if I had just been more in tune with my body, called the doctor about the UPPER back pain I had a few days before, Rachel would still be with us. Everyone is telling me that it's not my fault. My doctor even says it's not. "That back pain I would have never pegged as labor, your cervix and uterus were just fine. It wasn't you that brought her here early." I still blame myself though. I know that if she had made it through she would have had 30+ surgeries ahead of her in life, one every 4-6 months to expand her tiny rib cage. And even then her potential of living until adulthood is grim. On top of that, the bleeding in the brain, who knows how that would have affected her quality of life. All I want is my baby back and that none of this ever happened. Here is a picture of our sweet Rachel as she passed away in my arms.

We Love our Little Girl

2009-12-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

Two appointments have no occurred since I last wrote on this blog. I decided to wait to report, because I wanted to get more clarity and answers from my doctor to ensure an accurate report to you. Let me start off by saying that Ping and I are very happy to be expecting a child in our lives. We rejoice in the fact that God has provided us with a child to care for and raise. We only hope and pray that we will do the best that we can for her. With that said, we received some news at my level II ultrasound. This ultrasound is done at 20 weeks. It looks at the baby's organs, and other anatomy to ensure the baby is normal and healthy. If some of you have read earlier, you will know that at 12 weeks, we chose to do the Neuchal Translucency screening to test for the possibility of Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. Our results from that test came back with the result of "screen positive: increased risk of Down's Syndrome." At that time, we chose not to do an amnio because our chance of having a kid with Down's (although increased) was only 5%. At the level II ultrasound, it was revealed that our child had some physical markers for Down's. Her long bones (limbs) measure only in the 2 percentile range for her gestational age. Her Iliac Bone (hip) is widen, also consistent with Down's. The notes of the ultrasound state: High risk Down Syndrome. My doctor today talked with me more about these results. He stated that in his experience, it is safe to say that our little girl does have Down Syndrome. With her proportions (a chubby baby - her abdomen measurment is in the 77 percentile- and short limbs- in the 2 and 5 percentile) she pretty much has Down Syndrome.

Right now, I feel sad that we won't be having a perfectly healthy girl. Overall, we know that God has made this baby just for Ping and I and we are delighted to love her and raise her no matter her condition. Dr. Jeng has suggested seeing a Genetic Counselor to discuss more about Down Syndrome and how we can prepare for our little girl's arrival into this world. Here is her newest picture taken in 3D. A bonus too: a belly picture....(I don't like posting these normally) I am currently 5 months today!

Good-bye Old Jeans, Hello Nice Stretchy Elastic Panel!

2009-11-03T09:01:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I broke down and bought my first pair of maternity jeans. I stood at the rack in Target looking at the funny panel designed to hold your belly. "Is this REALLY going to be as comfortable as they tell me?" I thought. I grabbed the size 6 pair and went into the dressing room. The attendant said, "What is that?!? Oh! They're pants!" I felt kind of embarrased at this point because I don't think anyone can tell that under my jacket is a bump that no longer can be hidden or fit into my favorite regular jeans and all other pants that can be found in my closet. I took an available room and tried on the "funny" looking pants. "Oh my!" I said to myself. "This IS comfortable!"
It was just a week or two before that I had been delivered the news that Little Lee has a 5% chance of having Down's Syndrome. Ping and I decided not to go through with the amniocentesis at this point. If something shows up on the anatomy scan in three weeks, we might re-evaluate. However, at this point, we've got 96% on the normal side.
At 16 1/2 weeks today, I am happy to have a baby inside me and now coming to the realization that we are going to have a child in our hand in just 5 months! My last appointment was last week. Dr. Jeng tried to take a peek at Little Lee's goods for us. Ping is really wanting a boy. As Dr. Jeng moved the ultrasound wand across my tummy, he said, "Well, if it is a boy, I'm supposed to see something right there, and all I see is black. Looks like it will most likely be a girl." Let me just say that Ping is still holding out hope. Given his family history of the boys hiding their parts until birth, I'm hoping this kid does not follow in her Daddy's footsteps. The picture makes her look a little fat, but she is looking away from the camera a little on her side.

Can you say Neuchal Translucency?

2009-10-08T10:09:00.000-07:00

October and begun to be a really busy month. On the 3rd, this past Saturday, I ran a leisurely half marathon called Grete's Gallop in Central Park with a friend. She is training for the NYC marathon on November 1st and I decided to join her for some company. Rain and thunder where in the forecast at 90%, but none of that took place! It was just humid. The run was good and I felt awesome throughout. Grete Wiatz is a Norwegian marathoner who holds the record for most NYC marathons won.
Tuesday, the 6th, I had a special ultrasound and blood test done called a Neuchal Translucency (NT) test. This is to test for the possibility of Down's Syndrome. It was the most annoying test I hope I ever have to go through! In order for the ultrasound tech to properly measure the space in the baby's neck, the baby MUST be a certain position (lying on it's back). Usually, the baby's cooperate and are in the position. Little Lee, DID NOT COOPERATE!!!! Try #1: Little Lee was doing a hand stand and kicking his/her legs in the air! The cool part, the u/s tech played around with the machine and the baby, I got to see my cervix (whoopie), she pointed out the placenta, made me cough and shook my belly many times to get the baby to move. Little Lee just wanted to continue the acrobatics. I even got to hear the heartbeat for the fist time! haha. She sent me out in the waiting room and told me to cough and remain standing while she took another patient. People kept looking at me wondering if I was sick. Try #2. Little Lee was somewhat still on his/her head, but was turning back to us too. She brought the doc in to see if the position was acceptable. He of course said no, but it would be perfect to get the measurements via transvaginal. She we waited for the next room to open up to continue. Try #3. The tech wanted to check one more time to see if the baby moved. Little Lee finally cooperated after a little wait. During this wait, I got to see Little Lee's brain....kind of exciting actually, we know it won't be an "airhead" (har har)! The official results won't be available for another week, but by the space in the neck, we have nothing to worry about. After telling Ping about our baby being ever so active, we said, if he is like that outside of the womb, I should just take him for a run. Good idea!

10 Week Appointment

2009-09-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Ping and I saw the doctor for our 10 week appointment. I was kind of nervous because my symptoms in the past week have started to subside, thus making it hard to really know that I am still pregnant. As the doctor administered the ultrasound, we were delighted to see our Little Lee moving about, waving to us, turning around, very active! Little Lee must have really liked that grilled cheese sandwich for lunch! All arms and legs were there! Little Lee looks very much like a human now! The doctor had a hard time getting a good view to measure Little Lee's length. Once he got it, we knew everything was on track. Ping got to see Little Lee's heart beat for the first time, it was pumping at a good pace of 178bpm! It seems that Little Lee did very well during the half marathon last Sunday!

Little Lee's First Race

2009-09-21T08:58:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, my dear friend Tracy approached me after my marathon and said, "I would like to run a half marathon some day." I got excited about this and suggested that we run the Queens Half Marathon in September. She agreed and we signed up for the race. Tracy worked hard the entire summer increasing her mileage and training for this race all while she was working as a nurse at a Summer Camp upstate. I had other ambitions to train for the Seattle Marathon held in November. My plan was to use the Queens Half as a test on my performance as my goal was to finish Seattle in under 4 hours. Two weeks into training for Seattle, I learned that I am pregnant and ditched my plans to run the full marathon in Seattle this November. I then set my sights more seriously on the Queens Half Marathon. My training felt great every moment. My pace has slowed since I became pregnant, which is natural, but as long as I listen to my body, my doctor and I are excited to have my running.

Yesterday morning, I woke up around 5am, gave Tracy a wake up call at 5:30 and headed out the door at 5:45. The start time of the race was 7am, a free shuttle was provided from downtown Flushing to the start. Tracy and I decided to take it rather than have the trouble of looking for parking at the race in College Point, Queens. Upon arrival to Main Street, Flushing, I was in for a big surprise.....a HUGE line for the shuttle was waiting and no shuttle had arrived. NYRR stated that the last shuttle from Main Street would be at 6:15am. After a long wait, extra buses provided by the city, Tracy and I were finally boarding a packed bus at 6:55am. Five minutes before the start of the race! My dear friend Ellen, had driving in from Manhattan to cheer us on and had arrived at the start very early. I called her to let her know we were running late. She said she would call if they started the race without us as there were hundreds of people still in line for a bus when we left. Around 7:05, Ellen called....the gun had gone off. What now? Are we going to be able to still run when we get there?

As we head to the start, we hit a portion of the race course that was clear. It was obvious that the runners had already passed through this area. However, it was barricaded and the police officer would not let us through to get to the start. The bus driver could not get clearance, so we had to walk to the start from there! 16 blocks!!! Oh man, this is an adventure!!!

We finally arrived at the race start, quickly checked our bags, stopped by the porta-potties, and rushed to the start line. Ellen was waiting for us just past the start with decked out signs for us! Tracy and I started and had the experience of a lifetime. Not only was this the first race I have ever been late to, it is also the first race where I have started with so little people! It was just Tracy and I that crossed that start line at the same time. The clock when we crossed: 22:00. Twenty Two minutes late. Wow.

Tracy and I stayed together until between miles 2 and 3 where we hit a long hill, she slowed and I kept going. I kept looking back and Tracy kept telling me to keep going. So, I kept going. I kept thinking, "this course is pretty hilly, but no more hilly than Central Park." I was proved wrong around mile 6. The hills started to get steeper and longer. My pace was still pretty good and I kept feeling really strong. I stopped at all water stops to get water and Gatorade as staying hydrated is extremely important while pregnant. The course had so many turns in it I couldn't tell how far into a mile I had gone.

As mile 10 approached, I got really excited because I still had a lot of energy and pushed the pace a bit more. As I came into the finish corral the last .1 mile. Ellen was there to take my picture and cheer me to the end. (above on the right) I sprinted after her and finished strong crossing the finish line in 2:03:44! What a great time for a hilly course and a girl that is 10 weeks pregnant! I met Ellen and we cheered the other finishers wait for Tracy. Tracy arrived at the finished at 2:25:34. (on the left) I ran on the sidelines with her as she crossed the finish line and gave her a huge hug. She was so proud of herself that she did it!
( Ellen and I after the race)

Folks, We have a heartbeat!

2009-08-28T11:19:00.000-07:00

I had my 7 week appointment today. This is one I was really anxious and excited for as it is expected to see the heartbeat at 7 weeks. In preparation for hurricane Dan, my half marathon coming up, and to get some anxiety out, I did a 10 mile run this morning. It was raining the entire time, but felt so good to be out on the trail, seeing other runners and in God's wet nature. As I layed in the examination room, I heard, "Do you see the heart beat?" I was like, "no." In an anxious voice, then I looked a little harder and saw it! Little Lee is measured at just under 1 cm long, the heartbeat was at 107 bpm and we could faintly hear it! It was so exciting to actually see a human being inside of me! Here is a picture of the sonogram.

A New Adventure Has Begun In Our Lives!

2009-08-25T10:54:00.000-07:00

On Monday August 3rd, I found out that I am pregnant! Ping and I hadn't been trying that long and I didn't think it would happen so soon, but the Lord has definitely blessed us! We don't have an official estimated due date yet, but hope to get one soon. My calculations: the baby will be here mid April. Oh my gosh! That's a few weeks before Ping's last actuary exam! I am around 7 weeks right now and I don't seem to have many symptoms, which is nice. I have had slight nausea off and on after breakfast and dinner. The extreme fatigue set in last week which has made our bed my new best friend. I've been able to keep up my running pretty well with the exception of last weeks long run of 9 miles. (I was just too tired to get out of bed) I plan on keeping my mileage of 30 miles per week up until I'm due, hopefully God will bless me with that!

NJ Marathon 5/3/09

2009-05-05T08:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have done a REALLY bad job at blogging for almost a year. It is difficult to do this even though I started and never really followed through. I am now going to make the committment to keep up with blogging my races and significant runs for all to see. Here is my latest race report from the New Jersey Marathon.

hree years ago, I had no idea was GU was. It would have been very useful for my first race back then. Yesterday, GU was my best friend as well as 2 salt packets, Gatorade, water and Kat Cheng. It all actually started Saturday afternoon with a nice drive from Flushing, Queens to a tiny town on the New Jersey coast called, Long Branch. Kat and I spent 2 hours in the car enjoying fellowship with each other. The drive was beautiful! There was sunshine, confusing toll roads, and nothing but trees in New Jersey. We even witnessed my car hit its 100,000 mile mark!

As we arrived in Long Branch Saturday afternoon to the Race expo on the beach. Long Branch is a very quaint town with cute shops and cafes. The expo was small and crowded, but we were able to get my bib, timing chip and goodie bag quickly. We walked around the booths, got our gait analyzed for free and then headed up to New Brunswick for the night.

We arrived an hour later at Jonathan's apartment near Rutger's University. Jon is one of Kat's friends from a Christian conference a few years ago. He cooked us spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread. For some odd reason, the garlic bread was more delightful to my stomach than the spaghetti. The three of us stayed up talking and getting to know each other better and then headed to bed around 10pm.

4:00am, my alarm goes off on my phone. I felt wide awake, but had barely slept due to the unfamiliar surroundings, noise outside (college town), and nervousness of waking up late (even though we had 3 alarms set).

4:30am, we load up the car and head out to Long Branch. Kat and Jon try to sleep a little as I drive.

5:15am, we reach Long Branch and are directed to park at the horse race track.

5:20-6:00am, we wait in line for the shuttle buses to show up....in the rain.

6:00am. the buses finally arrive, we pile on and head to the start line....in the rain.

6:20am, we reach the start line, unload the bus, and get into the hotel to check baggage, and hang out until about 7:00am.....still raining.

7:00am, head out to the start line as we hear the start of the race is delayed due to a minor car accident on the course.....not raining.

7:15am, I line up at the starting line and start looking for the 4:00hour pace group. I find them, meet my pacers and other runners. I meet a girl from Colorado, and we hit it off right away.

7:45am, the start gun goes off (15 minutes late) and we take off. The 4:00 hour pacers took off fast! As I was running next to my new friend, we both looked at our garmins after the first mile and realized we were going way too fast. I realized at this point I forgot to take my first GU 15 minutes before we started the race. Oh well, I might used it later. Mile 1 pace: 8:37! However, we stuck with our pacers. It started raining again. By mile 3 when our pace was still in the 8:30s, we backed off a bit and stuck to a comfortable 8:40 pace. When my friend and I hit the 10K we both PR'd for our 10k haha (clock time: 53:37)....still raining

Shortly after the 10K mark, my new friend and I realized we hadn't introduced ourselves, I told her my name was Tricia and we immediately knew who I was. When we started training for this race, we both joined a forum on Runner's World.com to keep each other accountable. There were a good number of people posting. She asked me if I was T.Lee, I said, "yes!" and she said "I'm RW-Strider." We both got more excited that we had randomly met and realized how coincidental it was for us to happen to stand next to each other at the start and had been running together this whole time have great conversations!.....still raining

Mile 7, I take my first GU. We were way on target for a major sub-4 time. We felt great and kept on trucking...by the half way point we had a ton of energy. As the half marathoners were ushered to the left approaching their finish line, we marathoners were ushered to the left. This part was a bit tough and encouraging at the same time. Encouraging because the crowd was HUGE and it made you go a little faster hearing, "YOU'RE ALMOST TO THE FINISH! KEEP IT UP! FINISH STRONG!" These words really put a spring in my step...my overall pace at this point: 8:52....still raining

"Bummer, no 1/2 marathon PR for this one, but that's good! I'm running a marathon, not a 1/2, you have to run the loop again!" I thought to myself. My friend had stopped just before the 1/2 way point to use the bathroom, I kept the pace and waited for her to catch up. At mile 14, there was still no sign of her, so I walked to take my GU instead of run. Just as I was finishing up my Gu, she caught up to me. By this time, we had passed the 4 hour pacers as they realized at 13.1 miles, they went WAY too fast and slowed their pace WAY down to compensate.....still raining

At mile 16, we were starting to feel the normal aches, but still felt pretty good. Our pace had slowed to an over all 8:55, but a 4:00hr finish is a 9:10 pace, so we were still really good. By mile 20, I was really starting to hurt, I took me last Gu a mile early as I felt I Really needed the energy. My friend and I were still together at this point and planned to keeping up with each other until the end. Mile 22, I really started to fade, I was having a really difficult time keeping up, my overall pace was 9:00 so I knew I was still o.k. for a sub 4 finish. Mile 23, I was incoherent. All I remember was thinking that I needed to try and focus, pick up the pace, my watch now said an over 9:10 pace. Darn! No sub 4! My brain was sending signals like crazy to my legs saying, "Go faster! Go Faster! Make up your lost time! You can get back under 9:10 if you push these last 2.2 miles!" I took my extra GU to help, but my legs were rejecting these singals.....still raining

Mile 25, I'm back on the boardwalk. There was finally a crowd again. I thought good, I can really kick hard and still make up the lost time and possibly get a 3:59:?? finish if I just let the crowd and slight downhill carry me through, and give me a burst of enery. But, it didn't happen, I really felt the urger to fall over and pass out right there. People on the sidelines were cheering me on BY NAME (It was printed on my bib) and it wasn't giving me ANYTHING! I saw the clock at 25.5...it read 4:03:?? I decided to make a last minute goal of finishing under 4:05. I tried so hard to pick up the pace!! But it wasn't happening....still raining

I crossed the finish line as the clock read 4:05:??. I stopped my garmin which read, 4:04:37. The moment I crossed, I literally fell into the arms of a fireman. (Every woman's dream come true right?) I was extremely dizzy, Kat rushed over to me and the fireman passed me on to her. Kat helped me off the course to the baggage. It was pouring rain at this point. Jon joined us and held my umbrella over me. I was shivering and really mad at the race organizers for NOT passing our Mylar blankets. They decided to forgo them for environmental reasons. I'm sorry, but my warmth after I've run 26.2 miles in the rain, is a MUCH MORE IMPORTANT reason to pass out Mylar blankets at the finish!!! I just want to bear it until we got back to the baggage check where I had a towel and dry clothes to change into.

After I changed, Jon, Kat and I headed back to New Brunswick to take Jon home. Kat and I stopped at Red Robin for a nice juicy burger and fries (a restaurant we cannot get in NY). It was Kat's first experience of this place, and she liked it! We both downed a total of 4 lemonades (3 freckled and 1 pomegranate/blueberry), and headed back to NYC. The drive was rainy, Kat slept and we made it safely home.

Yes, GU is a runner's best friend. It is energy, tastes good, and can satisfy hunger during a race. It feeds our muscles with power in each stride...GU is a runner's best friend.

I am a little disappointed that I didn't break the 4:00 mark. I know that if I kept a steady 9:00 pace from beginning to end, I easily would have done it, but I didn't. I am happy that I PR'd and shaved of 10 minutes of my time! I have yet to find out my official chip time, and will let you know when it is posted.